They'll Learn Much More Than I'll Ever Know

Well, here it is. My last day.

Io and I kept the day free from social obligations so that we could spend all our time together with Gabe. We kept to routine for much of it -- I made breakfast, we went for a walk and shopping at Auchan, we played a lot with Gabe, Io and I played computer games a little when he was napping.

I'd like to take a moment to comment on this onesie, by the way. I'm not sure which of our Romanian friends gave it to us. The picture may be hard to see, but along the top it says "The Legendary Champion," and then underneath it has a picture of a donkey, a bear, and two cows. Okay, first of all, that's four champions, unless they come together into some sort of barnyard Voltron or something. Then in the lower right it says "Team-Dream 5." Look: (A) that is backwards, Romania, and (2) we seem to be getting our numbers confused again.

"There...are...four...lights!"

In between all that stuff, I spent the day packing, checking in for my flight, etc. I leave first thing tomorrow morning. I'm not sure what's going to happen with this blog. Io said she might try to keep up some entries and might post some pictures. I'm turning the keys over to her when I go. We'll see.

It's going to be weird going back. I've never been out of my life for such a long stretch. I haven't used an ATM, driven a car, woken up to an alarm clock, listened to the radio, or sent or received a text message in the last six months. With a couple of rare exceptions, I haven't used a credit card or a telephone.

But more than that, it's just going to be hard to leave. Io and I are really sad. Over the course of this trip, we've both decided that we can't do this again next year, even though the DA's office is willing to give me the time off. It's just too financially irresponsible. We could probably put the money together to do it, but it would drain our savings and probably put us in debt, and with Gabe we need to be saving, not spending. Plus it would mean another six months where I have no health insurance or life insurance. And even though the DA's office said the time off is fine, you never know what they will actually say when you come back. I breathed a sigh of relief the other week when I contacted them and they confirmed that my job is still waiting for me. We've rolled the dice this year and come out okay, but it just wouldn't be smart to double down.

That's a pretty mixed gambling metaphor.

So that means a year apart. I'll come back a couple of times next year for vacations, but they'll be pretty short. It's a hard thing to face, especially since it's all so senseless.

The hardest thing about leaving is leaving Gabe. It's hard to leave Io, but we will keep in touch by Skype and email, and in any case neither one of us is likely to change all that much while we're apart. But Gabe is going to be changing every day, and the only way to be part of it is to be there. Things are going to happen every day that will never happen again and there's no way to catch up on them. I will just miss them. I know that people go through a lot worse. I also know that this will all seem a lot better two weeks from now when we've settled into a new routine and realize that the earth is still turning and so many things in our life our good. But right now, it sucks ass. Leaving Gabe is still sort of inconceivable to me. I have never hated the INS more than at this moment.

It's not that I don't want to be here, Gabe. I want to be here. But this will be better for you. It will mean a house when you're a little older, and better schools. It means health insurance waiting for you when you get to the U.S.

But by God I wish it didn't have to be this way. I love you so much.

I knew a father who had a son.

He longed to tell him all the reasons

for the things he'd done.

He came a long way, just to explain.

He kissed his boy as he lay sleeping

and then he turned around and headed home again.

--Simon & Garfunkel, "Slip Slidin' Away"